changes and decisions ft. home girl t swift

I'm 18. I don't know how I'm supposed to make these huge life changing decisions before I'm even in college. In high school the problems were trivial for the most part, and there was no (apparent) real world impact. Then suddenly you turn 18 and you have to decide what college you want to go to, you have to start realizing that dating, for the most part from here on out, is going to be drastically more serious and marriage oriented. You let a guy kiss you, and suddenly he brings up the future and marriage and it's weird, but i think the weirdest thing is that (to me at least) it isn't entirely unexpected. Taylor Swift (my queen and yours) at her concert gave some relationship advice that was absolutely brilliant about how she wishes love was just "yes, I want to be with you" or "no, i don't want to be with you". But obviously that's not how it works. We often get caught in the limbo between relationship and life and she called it a situationship. Well right now, i feel like I'm in a situationship with life. I think i know what I want to do and where I want to go, and in all reality I do have my life significantly more planned out than most 18-year-old's, but it's all very, very grey. I'm not quite ready to let go of Spencer and the relationship we have but I'm not 100% ready to move on to a full blown serious relationship. I'm not ready to stop dating all together though, so somehow I have to find an in between which is complicated because how am I supposed to justify having feelings for two different people when one of them is on a mission. I still, despite the fact he and his family are very insistent upon the fact that i get out there and start dating, feel guilt (not a ton, but enough to make me uncomfortable at times) that I'm somehow being dishonest to myself. I can't really find a way to put it into words. In all this confusion I just try to make a list of things I know, to ground myself to the reality of my decisions.
1. I'm going to BYU and studying English
GREY AREA: ok but am I going to try to become a novelist or an English teacher or what? Because what.
2. I'm going on a mission in January or February, or whenever I get called
GREY AREA: I'm building up relationships now and I will at BYU that I'm going to have to 100% restart, or even start over in general when I get back. because everyone will be married.
3. I'm absolutely not ready for marriage
GREY AREA: Everyone says you're never ready for marriage, or your mission, or to start having kids but you just have to do it, and once you do it, you become ready. So obviously I don't feel ready. I don't get it. Why.
Life is hard, but mostly it's just scary, and daunting, and big. So it's important to not only focus on the big things, but be happy with every little thing that makes you smile and don't forget to not let those little moments pass you by. For example this week totally rocked. I went to Taylor the queen Swift in concert on monday with one of my best friends ever and it was one of the greatest night ever. I went to game night and drank milkshakes with some new friends I've made. Many of which are even heading up to provo which is great. I worked my last shift at a job i held for a year and a half and loved for the most part. I started painting. I won an instagram giveaway and got a free photoshoot and guess what the pictures turned out fabulous thanks to brett's amazing photo skills and obviously my incredible photogenicity. (i can make up words if i want to so i will. it's part of the whole living life to the fullest and making yourself happy thing ya feel). I've made mistakes in life,  in this week even, but I think the greatest thing is realizing it's okay. and things will work out. And to prove that, here are my pictures of my awesome but confusing weekend/week/ whatever you call a wednesday-wednesday kinda deal.