still here (kinda)

it has been so long and i am so sorry. Byu has been great.
1. My roommates turned out to be really fun! I find myself cleaning a lot but I love living on my own. I've learned how to cook real and healthy food (go me) and I found out that I actually love doing homework!
2. I've been on a few dates so that's fun. boys for the most part annoy me. I had a boyfriend for like 30 hours. then I was over it. Ty Christian is fabulous and he is flawless. He speaks Thai and plays guitar and goes on adventures and does all the things!! We might have kissed!!!!!!!!!!!!
3. I have sworn off shopping because i spent too much money.
4. I got an awful job at the cannon center and i intend to quit.
5. It's getting cold and I am not ok
6. Boys make me want to throw things because why do they do the thing where they hit on people
7. mission papers this sunday!
8. i suck at updating blogs which is why this one is super not detailed but as i update more often i will fill in gaps and stories will get more detailed. woo me.
9. pictures

ut aka my new home

It's official, I've lived in utah for one whole week! It's had good parts and bad parts and mediocre parts and parts i just don't care about one way or another. My roommates are all super nice and not bratty at all they're so great but i don't think i have enough in common with most of them to be best friends for life. i still love them though. Orientation was cool (even though i ditched half of it). I got a lot of cool free things like t-shirts and food so that rocked. Most of my joy from orientation came from catching occasional glimpses of random good-looking guys in other groups (because of course given my luck i had none in mine!!!! sweet, right???) Anyways. I did party a bit with brooklyn and her roommate, made some connections with random people who apparently I know everyone some how by having lived in 28742485 different places. I made a friend named hailey who is very kind and we want to go to all the games and party and whatnot. I last minute decided to change my major and my schedule. Also last night i went hottubbing. i need to be a better updater. I will do it. For jaycie. 

bye az!!!

This is it! My last night in arizona. naturally I spent it with my dog watching high school musical. I've lived here for four years, so for my entire high school experience. Boy oh boy have I changed and learned a whole heck of a lot. Arizona is where I got my first kiss, first heartbreak, first boyfriend, I went to both proms here, I went to two different schools, made so many friends, it's where i was when two of taylor swift's albums came out and I way over played them and still jam to them today. I grew so much in the gospel here, went to singles ward for the first time, got a million reality checks by meeting people who's problems were so much bigger than "what am i going to wear today?" I got my drivers licence here, went to all the high school football games, went to huge bonfires, ran around town, had lake days and spontaneous vacations away from the state with 120 degree weather. Arizona is the place where i learned not only to love myself but also better how to love others. I learned that respect lasts forever. I learned that not only will people change, but people aren't always who they say they are. And sometimes you realize you aren't who you think you are either. I learned that time moves slow when you want it to move fast, and moves fast when you just want life to slow down. I may have been raised in California, but I think i can call Arizona my home. So here's to moving on to bigger and better things in life. Here's to starting college. Here's to my almost finished mission papers. Here's to the mistakes and memories made in Arizona. 

changes and decisions ft. home girl t swift

I'm 18. I don't know how I'm supposed to make these huge life changing decisions before I'm even in college. In high school the problems were trivial for the most part, and there was no (apparent) real world impact. Then suddenly you turn 18 and you have to decide what college you want to go to, you have to start realizing that dating, for the most part from here on out, is going to be drastically more serious and marriage oriented. You let a guy kiss you, and suddenly he brings up the future and marriage and it's weird, but i think the weirdest thing is that (to me at least) it isn't entirely unexpected. Taylor Swift (my queen and yours) at her concert gave some relationship advice that was absolutely brilliant about how she wishes love was just "yes, I want to be with you" or "no, i don't want to be with you". But obviously that's not how it works. We often get caught in the limbo between relationship and life and she called it a situationship. Well right now, i feel like I'm in a situationship with life. I think i know what I want to do and where I want to go, and in all reality I do have my life significantly more planned out than most 18-year-old's, but it's all very, very grey. I'm not quite ready to let go of Spencer and the relationship we have but I'm not 100% ready to move on to a full blown serious relationship. I'm not ready to stop dating all together though, so somehow I have to find an in between which is complicated because how am I supposed to justify having feelings for two different people when one of them is on a mission. I still, despite the fact he and his family are very insistent upon the fact that i get out there and start dating, feel guilt (not a ton, but enough to make me uncomfortable at times) that I'm somehow being dishonest to myself. I can't really find a way to put it into words. In all this confusion I just try to make a list of things I know, to ground myself to the reality of my decisions.
1. I'm going to BYU and studying English
GREY AREA: ok but am I going to try to become a novelist or an English teacher or what? Because what.
2. I'm going on a mission in January or February, or whenever I get called
GREY AREA: I'm building up relationships now and I will at BYU that I'm going to have to 100% restart, or even start over in general when I get back. because everyone will be married.
3. I'm absolutely not ready for marriage
GREY AREA: Everyone says you're never ready for marriage, or your mission, or to start having kids but you just have to do it, and once you do it, you become ready. So obviously I don't feel ready. I don't get it. Why.
Life is hard, but mostly it's just scary, and daunting, and big. So it's important to not only focus on the big things, but be happy with every little thing that makes you smile and don't forget to not let those little moments pass you by. For example this week totally rocked. I went to Taylor the queen Swift in concert on monday with one of my best friends ever and it was one of the greatest night ever. I went to game night and drank milkshakes with some new friends I've made. Many of which are even heading up to provo which is great. I worked my last shift at a job i held for a year and a half and loved for the most part. I started painting. I won an instagram giveaway and got a free photoshoot and guess what the pictures turned out fabulous thanks to brett's amazing photo skills and obviously my incredible photogenicity. (i can make up words if i want to so i will. it's part of the whole living life to the fullest and making yourself happy thing ya feel). I've made mistakes in life,  in this week even, but I think the greatest thing is realizing it's okay. and things will work out. And to prove that, here are my pictures of my awesome but confusing weekend/week/ whatever you call a wednesday-wednesday kinda deal. 

how soon is too soon?

It's really hard to know what to do. In general. Just what to do. I'm not waiting for Spencer on his mission because we agreed that wasn't a good idea for us. But when do I start dating again? I've been on one date but it was weird (see earlier post about not trying to get engaged) but when is it okay to start really dating a lot of other people and flirting? I know that since we agreed not to wait, it should already be an okay thing, right? Wrong! Well, maybe right, I don't know. It all just feels wrong. Maybe it will be better when I move to provo and the guys I'm talking to aren't guys he knows? They should really have a boy prep class in high school that focuses on emotional common courtesies and social norms and just how to do the emotion thing right. Help. 

mission bound??

This sunday was a really good sunday. First of all, is was dakota benesches mission farewell (oregon is getting one heck of a missionary not to mention a good looking one too God bless). Not only was it his farewell, but it was his brother Avery (also known as my long lost love from freshman year) 's homecoming! They both gave incredible talks and Avery and I made lunch plans for this friday! (don't worry readers (or should i say reader. hi jaycie) i don't think good ol' ave and i will be rekindling any of our red hot love previously mentioned anytime soon). But that's not even the best part. I had an appointment with my bishop and I started my mission papers! I am a little excited! I'm really excited to get my call and see where  will be serving the Lord and teaching the gospel for 18 months but I'm also nervous. I'm mostly nervous about the shoes. And I realize this sounds ridiculous but come on I am not wearing these.

If I'm going out to serve the Lord, I'm going to do it while looking fabulous. Because if I look good, I will feel good. And if i feel good, I will be happy and no one wants a sad missionary. But don't worry! I've been looking at pinterest! There is hope! (also I'm poor so if you're reading this please send me money or clothes).

I'm not trying to get engaged. chill. WARNING: rant.

I have been coming out of the past few weeks of singles ward (luckily) unscathed. However, this week I was no longer able to escape the inevitable date-with-a-man-years-older-than-you. To be fair, it wasn't quite as creepy and weird and awkward as it sounds. (ok i changed my mind. it was 79 times more awkward than it sounds). Anyways. So you would think, possibly, that knowing someone had just sent someone off on a mission, to maybe give them a few days or longer to, oh i don't know, be still? recuperate? be sad? mourn? But nah it seems that the new cool thing to now is to ask said person on a date the day after the missionary leaves. And then ask them/her/me how I'm doing and then tell me he likes me. I am 18. I am going to college and going on a mission. You are on a one way road to marriage and cool it because I am not the wife you are looking for. So singles ward is cool but be prepared for lots and lots of forward people and don't be afraid to reject someone just because you don't want to be rude or come off as too picky. Because you're going to have to live with that choice for eternity and wow oh wow can you imagine accidentally marrying the first RM who takes you on a date?